Failure
Let down
Not good enough
These are all words that have seared themselves into my brain. Words, that no matter the lack of evidence to support them, I believe to be true. Deep down to my core. No one really knows that despite how much they think they know me; there are parts of me I keep hidden away. Under lock and key. This is one of those parts of me I don’t want people to know. When I express one of the three above statements to family or friends they readily tell me it’s not true and they go on to tell me why it’s not true. I eventually agree with them but deep, deep down that ugly, dark place inside of me never truly believes it.
Failing as a friend, a person.
Letting anyone I love down.
Not being good enough for anyone to love.
These are my biggest fears. They terrify me. Cripple me. Physically, mentally and emotionally. To the point where I can’t move. Can’t think. Can’t escape my own fucked up head.
So I live my life trying not to upset people. It’s like there’s this preconceived image of me in people’s heads and I need to live up to it or I will be tossed aside, like I have so many times before. She is always there no matter what. She’s always there to cheer me up. Support me. Listen to me. When I need her to be. I will always be there for the people who truly matter.
But will they be there for me?
I am constantly told to be honest, share my thoughts, my feelings, my frustrations. But do they realize that most of the time it’s not well received?
Guilt eats me alive because of this. Too many times someone has hurt me and I end up apologizing because bringing it to their attention has made them angry or upset. That never being my intention, I quickly take all the blame to smooth things over. To keep them in my life.
This is slowly killing me. I am constantly feeling like a failure, a let down, not good enough. It’s a vicious cycle. One of my own making and I have no idea how to stop it.
