Drowning

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Drowning in a sea of emotions

Fighting, reaching for the surface

Just going through the motions

Nothing matters without your face

Your body, your heart, your soul

Here with me

 

Hallow ache in my chest

Only you can fill the hole

Forget all the rest

You are the one

 

Not worthy of your time

My past written in stone

Punished for my crime

Do anything to atone

 

The smallest attention

Feels me with such hope

The long, painful silence

Feels me with such dejection

 

Just want it like it was

Full of love and trust

Electrifying passion

Lying now in the dust

 

Drowning in a sea of you

Only you can save me

Thoughts of nothing but us

Nothing matters without you with me.

As Always

A Grateful Kat

Waiting

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Empty words fill the air
Promises hanging
Only to drop
Shattering into pieces

Time wasted
Waiting alone
For that one thing
That will never come

Hope soars
Belief in words
Maybe this time
Heart swells with promise

Actions speak louder
Nowhere to be found
Waiting alone
Heart torn apart

Hopeless romantic
Giving so many chances
Wanting a new ending
But it’s always the same

Broken down
Give up trying
Jaded to the core
Never again

Sweet, empty words
Fill the air
I want to believe
Sad, lonely cycle

Time wasted
Waiting alone
For that one thing
That will never come…

Always Grateful
Kat xo

A look inside my mind…

Failure
Let down
Not good enough

These are all words that have seared themselves into my brain. Words, that no matter the lack of evidence to support them, I believe to be true. Deep down to my core. No one really knows that despite how much they think they know me; there are parts of me I keep hidden away. Under lock and key. This is one of those parts of me I don’t want people to know. When I express one of the three above statements to family or friends they readily tell me it’s not true and they go on to tell me why it’s not true. I eventually agree with them but deep, deep down that ugly, dark place inside of me never truly believes it.
Failing as a friend, a person.
Letting anyone I love down.
Not being good enough for anyone to love.
These are my biggest fears. They terrify me. Cripple me. Physically, mentally and emotionally. To the point where I can’t move. Can’t think. Can’t escape my own fucked up head.

So I live my life trying not to upset people. It’s like there’s this preconceived image of me in people’s heads and I need to live up to it or I will be tossed aside, like I have so many times before. She is always there no matter what. She’s always there to cheer me up. Support me. Listen to me. When I need her to be.  I will always be there for the people who truly matter.

But will they be there for me?

I am constantly told to be honest, share my thoughts, my feelings, my frustrations. But do they realize that most of the time it’s not well received?

Guilt eats me alive because of this. Too many times someone has hurt me and I end up apologizing because bringing it to their attention has made them angry or upset. That never being my intention, I quickly take all the blame to smooth things over.  To keep them in my life.

This is slowly killing me. I am constantly feeling like a failure, a let down, not good enough. It’s a vicious cycle. One of my own making and I have no idea how to stop it.

Snow Angel

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I lay on the white, frozen ground
Staring upward but seeing nothing
What was once warm and peaceful
Is now bitter and cold

Feeling nothing inside
Just an empty shell
Wishing for the days
The days of longing
Of wanting
Of needing
You

The days before the hurt
The pain
The neglect
We both afflict on each other

One look, one touch set my soul on fire
My ache, my desire for you
Was unmatched
Unyielding
Only quenched by you

My core aflame
Set higher by your sensual mouth
Your skilled hands
Knowing my body responses expertly
The simplest touch awakened my entire being

But with the winter freeze
Came the hardening of your heart
Gone were the gentle touches
The soft whispers
The loving gazes

My burning desire replaced
By a heart of stone
Taken for granted
Thought to always be there

I waited for you
Waited till I was tired and alone
Now here I lay
On this blanket of snow

Once your angel on fire
Burning hot and bright
Now cold and frozen
Your angel in the snow

Always grateful
Kat xo

Fragile Heart

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A ripple in time
That’s all I am
A fragile heart
Handle me with care

Tough and strong on the outside
The way I am expected to be
But deep inside my pain
My loneliness hides
Locked tightly in a box
The key missing long ago

My fragile heart aches
Burning
Yearning
Bleeding for what once was
Never healing the same
Never feeling the same again

An instant is all it takes
To change a life forever
Shredded and broken
My fragile heart longs
Longs to beat once more
To feel alive
To feel love
To feel lust
To feel you
Once again.

A fragile heart…is what I am.

The Swing

This poem is based on a picture that was submitted by a fan. If you want to submit a picture or a sentence or even a single word please feel free. Enjoy.

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Life is like a swing
To go forward you must go back
As a little girl, I’d sit on the swing
So excited to get moving
I’d pump my little legs
Eager to take off
To soar through the clear blue sky
But my hard work got me nowhere
It was hard being so young
I needed help, needed a gentle hand
To give me a push
To teach me how to pump my legs

As I grew, the easier it was
Easier to swing by myself most days
Into the great blue beyond
Yet I still needed that gentle hand
Each new adventure held a taste of the unknown
The unexpected
That gentle hand gave me the courage
The courage to venture out on my own

Growing older, living life on my own
I can just jump on that swing now
No longer needing that push
I can push myself higher and higher
Forward into the beauty of life
Backwards into the black hole
With every swing backward
The higher I would go forward

Reaching for the clouds
Flying free
But with the light and beauty of going forward
There is the dark, hollow world of going backward
Pulling at me
Trying to keep me back
Those are the days
The days I need that gentle hand of my youth
To push me forward
To remind me
That without the dark we would never see the light.

Always Grateful
Kat xo

Red

This post is different like my last one. This is once again another challenge but one between my very good friend and twin Kat Storey and myself. Please follow her on twitter @kitkat1192 and her blog of amazing words Hungry for More . Our challenge is we pick one photo and both write a poem to go with the photo. We are hoping this is the first of many challenges. Enjoy my version of this photo.

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World dark and cold
Days full of grey
Nights of the blackest black
Just different shades of mundane

Alone in this bed
That was once so warm
So full of our color, our love
Where we would lay face to face

Our color, our love
Splashed over everything we touched
Now so cold and desolate
I want our color back

Being pushed through this world
No color in sight
Where did it go?
Our color, our love
Lost in this sea of despair

Stepping onto the grey, wet pavement
Cold, bitter wind biting my flesh
Wrapped in a cloak of black
No shield thick enough

No warmth, No love
Ripped from my lover’s embrace
You took my love, my color
Took the red from my heart
All that is left is black…

Ocean

This poem is a little different. I was asked the other day by a friend to be part of a poetry challenge. I was of course completely honored. I was being placed among some incredibly talented poets and writers. The info on the challenge can be found here: poetry challenge for poetry week

I hope you enjoy and I will be sure to let you know what day my poem will be showcased.

Always grateful
Kat xo

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Wrapped in your embrace
Look of passion upon your face

In your arms I find my home
No other place would I ever go

Flesh to flesh and heart to heart
Longing to be your missing part

Deep within your strength gives me hope
A part of your world I’ll always be

Soft, gentle whispers in my ear
Words of love ever after

With me, I will always carry your voice
Your words across the oceans of my mind

Forever you will be etched across my heart
Never a moment without you in my thoughts

For you are my smile, my heart, my light
My soul’s peace through the day and into the night.

Fantasy

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Standing in front of me
Are you a fantasy?
I close my eyes
Praying when they open
That you are as real to me
As my rapidly beating heart

Stepping closer to you
My head tilted to gaze 
Into your piercing eyes
A soft, gentle hand reaches up
Cupping your hard, stubble jaw
A small smile touches your lips

My chest tightens
Such a gorgeous sight
A tongue peeks out licking your bottom lip
Desire flooding my body
A simple action 
With so much promise

That delectable mouth
The things it can do
A shiver runs up my spine
Full bottom lip asking to be sucked on 
Pressing my warm soft body against you
My hand cupping the back of your neck

Pulling your head down
I claim that lip between my teeth
Sucking, pulling, tasting you
Your hands covering my back
Pulling me, hard, against you
Your mouth crushing mine

White hot heat scorching my body
Pooling between my thighs
Feeling you rock hard pushing into my belly
Wishing your cock was further down
Filling me, slaking my lust
Quenching this pulsating ache

Tangling our tongues
Stroking, licking, feasting on each other
Moans escaping, burning desire thick in the air
Wanting more, so much more
But never wanting to break our kiss
My eyes open

I see you standing before me
A small smile on your lips
I take a deep, core shaking breath
It was a fantasy, a flash of my craving
I feel a sense of loss
So long I have wanted you

You take a step towards me
A small smile touches my lips
You take my bottom lip between your teeth
Could this have been yours too?
A fantasy you have wanted
A fantasy come true...

Broken

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Pushed and pulled
Stretched so thin
Limits reached mentally, physically
Resolve about to bend
About to break

Continue to play your game
Point fingers and blame
But who actually wins?
Patience about to bend
About to break

Bury your head in the sand
Pretend your life is grand
What happens when it all comes crashing down?
Understanding about to bend
About to break

Used and abused
Taken for granted time after time
My heart, my life on the line
Unfailing love about to bend
About to break

Passed the point of no return
This life about to burn
No going back
This woman once so strong
She can no longer bend
She is broken…

Always grateful
Kat